The Show Must Go On
by astheblackrosewilts
Summary: Trowa’s thoughts on Heero just before he attempts to blow himself up, just after Heero has woken up after trying to self destruct. Songfic, 1x3 implied.


A/N: Just something that popped into my head, thanks to Sunny-Dragoness for going over this and sorting it out.

Rating: PG

Summary: Trowa's thoughts on Heero just before he attempts to blow himself up, just after Heero has woken up after trying to self destruct. Songfic, 1x3 implied.

Disclaimer: If I own Gundam Wing then I've forgotten something fairly major, don't own the song either, I'm pretty sure about that one.

**The Show Must Go On**

_Empty spaces_

_What are we living for?_

_Abandoned places_

_I guess we know the score_

I guess I never really realised it before, oh I knew I was mortal, I knew I could die, I knew life could be taken way in a split second, I'd done it to plenty and never anguished over or regretted the deaths of any I've killed. Of course I haven't I'm Nanashi, I couldn't feel that isn't _my_ mask.

Then, in one moment, one second where my heart stood still I saw an unbelievably strong warrior take his own life without a second thought. I don't know why I picked his body up, I don't know why I nursed him when it would probably have been better to let him die, I don't know why, even now, after telling him my plan for this evening just the feel of his eyes on my back almost has me turning back around and deciding to call the whole thing off.

_On and on_

_Does anybody know what we are living for?_

I know I probably wont survive, I know that even with his genetic enhancements he barely made it, I know I have no chance but I'm a warrior, since when have I cared about my own life?

_Another hero_

_Another mindless crime_

_Behind the curtain _

_In the pantomime_

I step into the gundam before the picture in my head of an imagined smile from the soldier I see behind my eyelids makes my step down again, this is the right way to end it… isn't it? I have no choice, I'm not meant for a world of peace, but… I'm not arrogant enough to think that I will be the end of the war but I have faith in the others, why do I want to see peace with him, I don't know his name. Why does he have this power over me? What is it about him?

_Oh the light_

_Does anybody want to take it anymore?_

I'll face it as Nanashi, I'll face war, battles, destiny and death as Nanashi. I have this mask perfected, so who is it as that I face life as…? Or would that be with? Why won't he leave my head?__

_The show must go on_

_The show must go on_

_Inside my heart is breaking_

_My makeup may be flaking_

_But my smile still stays on_

Our masks will never break, they may crack but we'll die before we break enough to let them shatter. We need them to survive.

I know it's the right thing to do as a soldier, a warrior, a gundam pilot, OZ cant find me if I'm dead.

_Whatever happens_

_I leave it all to chance_

_Another heartache_

_Another failed romance_

I wonder if the others are as cynical as I am, Quatre, no chance; he needs something to believe in, he needs to trust that he has betrayed his home, his family and his heritage for a reason. The rest, probably, I don't think any of us really consider this the end though, they know that if we succeed then there will be more battles, more wars and they know that if we die then other nameless, faceless soldier will appear to take our places.

_On and On_

_Does anybody know what we are living for?_

War has happened before and it will again, I don't matter, OZ has never seen my face, I'll die and it won't matter. War is full of death, I'm a nameless soldier who they don't actually have proof exists yet. As a soldier this is the right thing to do, so why do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself?

_I guess I'm learning_

_I must be warmer now_

_I'll soon be turning_

_Round the corner now_

Maybe we fight because of our destiny, as soldier we are expected to die, some consider it our duty and I believe that I would rather die in battle than live in a peace time that considers battle-hardened, weary soldiers who don't know any different than to treat any unknown as a possible assassin and any friend as a possible traitor.

This is what he meant when he told me diligently about the only part of my gundams construction that I had no part of, the self-destruction device, I'm closer to victory now than I've ever been. So why does the sight of a curiously vulnerable-looking, sleeping soldier almost change my mind about this plan?

_Outside the dawn is breaking_

_But inside the dark_

_I'm aching to be free_

As long as I can remember I've been cold, surely now when I know my destiny I should feel something else or did I finally manage it? Did I finally kill my own soul?

Death is freedom, death is justice, there is forgiveness in death; isn't that what they say; there will be no easy afterlife for me; death will be the end, why is an unruly-haired teenager making me change my mind?__

_The show must go on_

_The show must go on_

_Inside my heart is breaking_

_My makeup may be flaking_

_But my smile still stays on_

What am I going to do? Why am I considering anything else, I'm a soldier I know what I'm supposed to do and I've obeyed long enough to know that I'll follow orders, even if they weren't officially given, I'll leave him, I'll die… I'll leave him, why had I never considered the fact that I'd have top leave him and why the hell do I even care.__

_My soul is fading_

_Like the wings of butterflies_

_Fairytales of yesterday_

_Will grow but never die_

_I can fly my friends_

_The show must go on_

_The show must go on_

So why do we fight and why is it that when I try to answer that question all I can see is the image of an injured pilot who I don't even know the name of lying on a bed in my trailer?__

_I'll face it with a grin_

_I'm never giving in_

_On with the show_

You don't spend a month caring for someone if you don't feel anything more than a sense of comradeship with someone, you don't sit beside their bed every day for a month for them, you don't feel like killing your sister when she tells you then she was the first person they saw, you don't care at all… but I do.

It's too late now though, the curtains are raised, and the lights have come on.

Please anything, a distraction, a fight, anything so I wont have to do this, not when I finally realised that the coldness in my heart has begun to disappear.

Nothing comes… so it's on with the show…

I'm sorry, but you live as a warrior, you die as a warrior, you know that too.

I start shooting and I hear the screams, I'm completely detached though, I'm somewhere else, with you…

Forgive me, please.

_I'll top the bill_

_I'll earn the kill_

_I have to find the will to carry_

_On with the_

_On with the_

_On with the show_

**Owari**

A/N Well I know that was probably a little strange but never mind – shrugs – please review


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